This summer has been full of many emotions. It has had fun and joyful moments and moments of tears and heart break. It has been a summer that, as a family, we have walked down a path that we prayed we wouldn’t have to walk again. And it was a summer that has not gone as we planned (not that most of my plans end up happening the way I think they will go).
On April 10th, my husband and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. On April 11th, we celebrated the 1 year anniversary of my husbands return from his Army Deployment. It was also the day my husband and I found out that we were expecting another baby, to our great surprise!
We were very excited to tell family and friends about this wonderful blessing coming into our lives. Like a normal pregnancy for me, I started morning sickness and every time I said I need to use the restroom, my oldest would look sadly at me and ask if I needed to throw up again (yes, I have my head in the toilet a good bit).
The weeks went by and I tried to muster enough strength to get through each day as a pregnant mommy of 2 with morning sickness and feeling very tired. Things felt normal, if you can feel like morning sickness is normal, as the weeks passed. The closer we got to the first doctor appointment, the more I felt in my heart that something was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it; I thought maybe it was my mind thinking about our first pregnancy when we had a miscarriage. Or maybe I was feeling nerves or worrying over nothing.
A couple days before the appointment, my sister called and said she was going to be close to my house the day of my appointment and thought it would be fun to come to watch my boys while we went to our appointment. In my mind I thought, that great! If we can’t find the heartbeat it will be easier on me to go home to my sisters hug and support. Not a normal thought to think before a doctors appointment.
When my sister arrived, we were sitting in my living room talking and I even told her that I had this feeling like we weren’t going to find he heartbeat at the appointment. But again I wrote it off to my own nervousness and worry.
My husband arrived home and we headed to the appointment. It was a normal 1st doctors appointment until it came time to find the heartbeat. The Dr. got the Doppler and put it to my belly to find the heartbeat. Nothing. I wasn’t worried yet, we have never been able to hear our babies’ heartbeat the 1st appointment because of my tilted uterus that makes it a little bit more difficult when the baby is that small. They brought the ultrasound machine. Nothing. The brought the next machine in. Nothing.
In my heart I knew the truth. Our baby was no longer growing and living in my belly.
They immediately sent me to the hospital to get an ultrasound with a more advanced machine. There was a sac, but no growing baby inside of the sac.
That “feeling” I’ve had been feeling for weeks was confirmed and they had to tell us the sad news that we had experienced what’s called a Blighted Ovum. We had never heard of this so we had to look it up and find out what this “diagnosis” was.
For those like me who didn’t know what this meant, here is the short version. I conceived, but when the baby was implanted something went wrong. My body continued to grow the gestational sac, but the baby had passed away. How do you explain this to a three year old? How do you explain to him that the baby sister he was praying for wasn’t going to come and be part of our family? And what happens next?
It took weeks before my body realized that something was wrong. I continued to have morning sickness, which was a cruel reminder of our loss. It was many weeks later until I started bleeding and passed the sac. It was many, many weeks later until I stopped bleeding. It took months for my body to get back to “normal”.
I should be in my last trimester, not be praying that we will be able to get pregnant again.
I’ve had many emotions during this summer. The pain of loss. The joy of two little boys I was able to cuddle and hug when my heart hurt. The frustration of not being in control of what is going on. And the struggle of waiting and waiting for my body to do what it needs to do.
This might be a crazy verse to find comfort in during this struggle, but here it is.
John 16:33 – ” I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulations. But take heart; I have overcome the world”
We have not been told we will have an easy life. It will not always be easy. We will face trials. We will face hard times. We will face tribulations. BUT GOD is STILL GOD!!! He has come to overcome the world. HE is still the same Yesterday, Today and FOREVER!
Please don’t get me wrong and think this has been easy for me. This is the second time I have felt the loss of a baby during pregnancy. This is the second time I won’t be able to hold that baby I dream about holding. This is the second time the memories I wanted to have were taken from me. This is the second time I have wept over a child I will never get to meet until I reach Heaven.
I wish we didn’t have to go through this, but I pray that God will use me through this to minister and love others who might go through the same thing.
I don’t know the BIG picture God has for me or my family. I don’t know if I will fully understand why this happened. But I chose to find my strength in the God who is the Creator and Designer of each and ever one of us. A God that sent is HIS son to come to this world and die on a cross for my sins. For that reason I choose to feel the loss, but know this child is never be forgotten. I’m glad someday I will hold my two little babies in heaven.